


Your Love Is My Drug

by xyvesoulx



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Heavy Angst, Loona - Freeform, Substance Abuse, lipves - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 03:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21403579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xyvesoulx/pseuds/xyvesoulx
Summary: “If you were a drug, there wouldn’t be a sober vein in my body.”
Comments: 3
Kudos: 82
Collections: LIPVES





	Your Love Is My Drug

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah... if you know me, you know that I always write about some heavy angsty shit. Including things that real life people struggle with. So I’m going to warn you that this is a really potentially triggering story. So please proceed with care!
> 
> ** TRIGGER WARNINGS: Substance abuse, drug abuse, mentions of suicides/overdosing, **
> 
> If any of these things make you uncomfortable or you feel like you can’t handle it, please don’t hesitate to back out!

If she could avoid it. She would have. Seriously, she swears on it. She was the new girl at school. But other than the fact that she was the new girl. She didn’t really stick out much. There was nothing really extravagant about her. She didn’t expect to draw any attention to herself. Nor did she really want to. A few people would stare here and there, but they’d usually go on about their business. 

“Kim Jungeun?” She heard the teacher call, hearing a few giggles from the others in the room. She ignored it, although it irritated her to no end. Kids will be kids. She raised her hand, letting the teacher know she was present. Jungeun was very to herself. She didn’t really care for people judging her either. 

“Is anyone sitting here?” She heard a soft voice ask, and when she looked up the girl was smiling back at her. Her cheeks nearly touching her eyes from how hard she was smiling. 

“No.” Jungeun said calmly, turning back to the front. 

The other girl smiled and sat beside her, despite Jungeun slightly brushing her off. She didn’t give up that easily. “What’s your name?” She questioned, and Jungeun gave her a side eye. At least she was making an effort.

“Jungeun.” 

“Sooyoung.” She smiled, showing her cute bunny like teeth. Everytime she smiled, her cheeks raised up. “I assume you’re new here.” 

Jungeun shrugged. “I’ve lived here for a few months.” 

“So you moved here over the summer.” She said. She was genuinely just curious. Jungeun turned to her fully. 

“Yes. You have a brain.” Jungeun said sarcastically. “Now please stop asking me questions.” She said, shaking her head in annoyance. 

Sooyoung complied. For a moment. Before she knew it, she was bothering the other girl again. She just couldn’t help herself. It was just the friendly side of her. She wanted to make Jungeun feel comfortable. 

“So when did you move here?”

“A few months ago.” Jungeun simply said, doing the worksheet the teacher gave them moments ago. 

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?” Sooyoung questioned. 

“And you are.” She snapped back. 

But before Sooyoung could even reply, the teacher got all of their attention. Standing up and clapping her hands. She introduced herself, and asked for the students to share a fun moment they had over the summer. Jungeun couldn’t really think of much. But the teacher insisted on calling on her anyway. 

“Jungeun? Would you like to share with us?” 

She looked around, noticing everyone looking at her. For once, she felt smaller than she usually did. But when her eyes landed on the girl beside her, she saw her give an encouraging smile. She stood up slowly, looking around. “Since you called on me— I guess I have to talk about how boring my life is. I went swimming a few times… I guess. Played some games, read a book or two. Moved into my new house.” 

She spoke, hearing a boy from across the room yawn. His friends laughing along. Jungeun cleared her throat. “Anyway— I hope next summer I do more things. Preferably fun things.” She said, sitting down. She got a clap or two, and Sooyoung stood up next.

“I went to an amusement park. The one that just opened recently. I also hung out with a few friends. I think I did something everyday. Whether it was a sleepover or going to someone’s place. I had a really fun summer.” She smiled, hearing a few claps and the boy that yawned at Jungeun clapped extra loud for Sooyoung. 

She sat down, and they just listened to everyone else’s stories. Jungeun felt herself getting bored after the 6th person spoke. She still had about 18 more people to get through. 

She dozed off for a second, the only thing waking her up is the fact that her hand was moved from under her chin. Making her fall face down onto the desk. It was the same guy from before. Jungeun just glared at him, before she heard that comforting voice once again. 

“Don’t mind him. He can be a dick sometimes.” She stood up, Jungeun following. “I know you’re not… much of a talker— it seems.. but making new friends isn’t a bad thing.” She smiled. “I don’t bite.” 

And she bumped Jungeun playfully before leaving the room. Jungeun tried to not pay attention to the nuisance that had bothered her since the first day of school. She reminded herself she probably wouldn’t see him after this year. Praying he’d go to another school. 

As much as Jungeun didn’t like to admit it, she enjoyed hanging out with Sooyoung. They often did homework together, and stayed together after school. Sooyoung would offer to walk with Jungeun to her home, but she’d always have a cut off, telling Sooyoung she was fine for the rest of the way. 

It was lonely being an only child, as she had gotten split from her siblings at a young age. Her parents both being heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. Jungeun and her sister’s Yerim and Yeojin, getting put through the foster system. She missed them. She always did. 

As the days went by, Jungeun and Sooyoung had gotten closer. Their walks home together becoming more frequent, and their sleepovers becoming a recurring thing. Jungeun didn’t mind. Whatever made Sooyoung happy. 

“Just once! Please?” She begged, holding the makeup bag in her hand. 

Jungeun shook her head. “Sooyoung…” 

“Please?” She pleaded, pouting in the process. Jungeun ignored the way her heart skipped a beat when she did that. Giving in, because it was impossible to say no to Sooyoung. 

“Fine..” She sighed, sitting on the floor in front of her. Sooyoung got excited, opening the bag and taking everything out. 

“You’ll like it. I promise.” Sooyoung smiled, starting on her makeup already. “Have you ever worn makeup?” 

Jungeun almost shook her head, but she stopped herself. Realizing there was an eyeliner pencil in front of her eyes. “Do I look like I wear makeup?”

“I don’t judge a book by its cover.” Sooyoung giggled. “But if I had to— I’d say you only do it for special occasions.” 

Jungeun cracked a small smile. “You’d be right… but even then I don’t do it. At least not anymore. My parents gave up on trying to force me.” She explained, feeling Sooyoung’s soft hand holding her chin up to keep her stationary. Her eyes fluttered down to take in Sooyoung’s features.

This was the first time she had ever gotten this close to Sooyoung. Or seen her this close up really. They hugged every now and then, but that was about it. Jungeun had noticed how touchy Sooyoung was. But she didn’t think much of it. Sooyoung was like that with everyone… or at least that’s what she tried to tell herself. 

“So how are you liking the school?”

“Honestly? It’s shit. But thankfully I don’t have much longer there.” She answered honestly, her heart fluttering at the sound of Sooyoung’s gentle laugh. What was getting into her? 

“Well… if it makes you feel better— I’m really proud of you for keeping your head up.” She smiled, moving to put makeup on her left eye now. 

“It’s no big deal.” Jungeun downplayed, but Sooyoung immediately stopped what she was doing. 

“Are you kidding? You moved here from a totally different area and still succeeded despite not knowing anyone or anything really. I think that’s a pretty big deal.” She said excitedly. Jungeun looked away shyly, not liking the way Sooyoung was staring at her. She usually could deal with it. But the past few weeks, it had gotten harder. Why?

“Thank you Sooyoung.” 

“No thank you, for existing.” She smiled, and Jungeun was blushing now. But thankfully Sooyoung was too occupied with doing her makeup. She moved down to her lips, applying a red tint to them. And as she did so, Jungeun looked at hers. Why? She really didn’t know.

Curiosity maybe. 

Sooyoung was very pretty. Even more so up close. “All done.” She smiled, closing the cap on the lipstick. She reached out for Jungeun’s hand, tugging her up to the mirror. Jungeun was expecting to hate it, but she didn’t. 

She actually felt herself on the verge of smiling at it. “It’s really nice..” She complimented, turning left and right to see better. Sooyoung stood beside her excitedly, smiling as she looked into the mirror.

“I tried to not be too over the top ya know?” She said, jumping back onto her bed and laying across it. Jungeun followed, laying beside her. “Now I’m hungry.” She giggled.

Jungeun just smiled, and although Sooyoung wasn’t even looking her way, she was satisfied. She screamed at herself to look away, but it was impossible. So when Sooyoung slowly turned her head, catching Jungeun’s gaze with her own, she felt her heart stop briefly. But she also couldn’t look away. 

Sooyoung smiled softly at her. It felt like the world had stopped just for a moment. Just for _this_ moment. “What?” She asked, and Jungeun just stared at her. She couldn’t form a proper sentence it seemed. Or even think properly. 

“Nothing.” She cleared her throat, sitting up quickly. “I uh— I should go. My mom is probably waiting for me to get home.” Jungeun lied, grabbing her things. Sooyoung quickly sat up as well. She didn’t think much of the situation.

“Oh— okay!” She stood up, pulling Jungeun into a tight hug and kissing her forehead. Now that really made the other girl freeze. Her eyes widened at Sooyoung, who didn’t even seem to realize what she just did, and how it caused a turmoil in Jungeun’s mind. “I’ll see you soon?”

The shorter girl cleared her throat. “Y-Yeah.” She nodded, quickly leaving and saying bye to Sooyoung’s parents on her way out. They even complimented her makeup. The makeup Sooyoung did for her. 

When she got home, slowly rolling her bike into her front yard and stepping up to the front door. She quietly opened the door, hoping her parents wouldn’t hear her. “Hi Jungeun.” She heard her father say from the living room. She stopped, scrunching her face up.

“Hi dad..” She said through gritted teeth. He slowly looked up to her, tilting his head in confusion. 

“Makeup?” He questioned.

“A friend of mine did it.” She answered, her hands in her back pockets. 

“Sooyoung I assume.” She heard her mother suddenly say, kissing Jungeun on the cheek and walking by her. “She lets that girl do anything to her!” She laughed, not really thinking much of it. But if anything it just made the feeling in the pit of Jungeun’s stomach much worse. 

“I’m… going to go and lay down. I’m not feeling too well.” It was sort of the truth.

“Okay. Make sure you eat dinner soon though.” Her mother said, sitting down beside her father on the couch. 

Jungeun had been with her new foster parents for about 4 years now. They treated her well, although her father wasn't the most talkative person in the world. He reminded her of herself though. When she got up to her room, she found some wipes to remove the makeup on her face. 

Why did she panic? Sooyoung was just being her friend, like she always was. Sooyoung being touchy with her wasn’t new. She was like this pretty often. But it seemed the longer they were friends, the comfier she got. Jungeun probably would’ve thought something of it, if Sooyoung wasn’t drooling over some boy every time they hung out together. 

She had to pretend to care. Even though it was hard. _Not_ because she liked Sooyoung, but because she felt sick to her stomach whenever she had to think of a boy in any other way that was a friend. And even then it was hard for her to not feel like she was going to vomit.

Over the summer, they spent even more time together. Sooyoung inviting her over for the weekends, inviting her to family gatherings and amusement park trips. It was nothing, really. All friends do that right? 

She scolded her brain for making her think anything else. They sat on the roof of Sooyoung’s home, the flat area just outside of her room window. The air wasn’t too cold just yet, so they relaxed with their regular clothes on. 

“How come you never let me come over to your place?” Sooyoung suddenly asked, watching as Jungeun’s hair blew subtly from the wind. 

Jungeun cleared her throat, leaning back onto her elbows. “Because my parents are weird. I’d rather not be embarrassed.” She confessed, hearing Sooyoung laugh and move closer to her. She rested her head onto Jungeun’s chest, and she really prayed Sooyoung didn’t hear the increase in heart rate.

“It’s okay. I don’t judge. Besides— I think it’s time they finally meet me properly huh?” She suggested and Jungeun just shrugged. No words were able to leave her mouth as she was completely stuck because of what was happening right now. 

“Yeah. Sure. Of course.” She said nervously, feeling the vibration from Sooyoung’s laugh against her. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to convince herself this wasn’t just a dream. Sooyoung didn’t think much of her nervous rambling. Instead, looking up at the sky as Jungeun tried her best to calm her heart down. 

The next time they met up, Sooyoung cooked them dinner. Of course with the help of her mom, and after they went up to her room. Like always.

She was sitting on the floor in between Sooyoung’s legs as she braided her hair into two french braids. “Are you nervous?” The taller girl questioned, trying her best to be gentle with Jungeun’s hair.

“About what?” Jungeun questioned, opening her eyes.

“High school.” 

“Eh— school is school.” Jungeun replied nonchalantly. Sooyoung nodded, finishing up the braid. 

“Do you think we’ll still be friends when we graduate?” Jungeun opened her eyes again. She was really enjoying this relaxing moment between the two. She could hardly keep her eyes open. 

“I would like to think so..” Jungeun replied, and Sooyoung frowned.

“Promise.” She said, sitting down beside Jungeun. 

Jungeun could see how giddy Sooyoung was. Lifting her pinky up and glancing between the two of them. “Pinky promise that we’ll still be friends when we graduate.” 

Jungeun hesitated for a moment. She knew things didn’t last forever. She was sure they’d grow apart. As much as she really hoped that wasn’t the case for them. But it does happen. People grow. They get different interests, different friends and different goals. But the look in Sooyoung’s eyes gave her hope.

_False hope_.

“I promise.” She said, interlocking their pinkies together. The first year went well. In terms of their friendship anyway. Sooyoung still made it her mission to walk side by side with Jungeun after school. She finally allowed Sooyoung to fully come to her place. 

She ended up staying the night, as it was too dark to go home. She called her mother, and she spoke to Jungeun’s mom as well. As Sooyoung showered, Jungeun worked on her homework. The only thing about high school, was that you usually didn’t end up having classes with the people you wanted to have classes with. 

Jungeun only had 1 class with Sooyoung and it was a writing class that they voluntarily signed up for. They wrote poetry often, but essays were more of a thing there. Jungeun glanced over at Sooyoung whenever she got the chance. She seemed to be more interested in her than whatever her teacher was going on about. But she felt a little uneasy when she caught Sooyoung smiling down at her phone. 

It was obvious she was texting someone. And they were making her smile a little too hard for Jungeun’s likings. She convinced herself that was just her overthinking things. She just wanted to protect her friend. Sooyoung looked up, smiling and winking at Jungeun, and she quickly swallowed, looking the other way. 

When class finished, Sooyoung was by Jungeun’s side again. “Can you come over to my place today? I have to talk to you about something.” She smiled brightly. Jungeun was nervous, but also excited. Mostly nervous. Throughout the day, her foot tapped anxiously on the ground. Watching the clock and waiting for the bell to ring.

The second Jungeun stepped out of class, she felt someone hugging her tightly from behind. “Missed me?” Sooyoung teased. 

“I just saw you two classes ago.” Jungeun said, pretending she didn’t miss Sooyoung. And pretending like she didn’t have an uncomfortable amount of butterflies in her tummy. Making the taller girl pout at her. She knew how to get under Jungeun’s skin. That stupid, not so stupid, adorable face of hers. She knew how to get what she wanted. 

Before they even stepped off of the premises, Jungeun could hear someone calling out for Sooyoung.

When she turned around, she noticed who it was immediately. Sooyoung turned around as well, interlocking her and Jungeun’s hand. The brunette almost jumped away from the touch. But she relaxed when she felt Sooyoung rub her thumb along the back of her hand. What was this girl doing to her? 

“Hi Jinsoul.” Sooyoung smiled, hugging the black haired girl with one arm. 

“A friend?” 

“Jungeun. Her name’s Jungeun.” She introduced politely.

“Jinsoul.” The taller girl introduced. Not taller than Sooyoung, but definitely taller than Jungeun. She reached a hand out, flashing a friendly smile. “I was wondering if you wanted to come to my party this weekend. My parents will be out of town.” She smiled.

“Hmm… that sounds like a disaster.” Sooyoung tilted her head. 

“You know who is gonna be there.” Jinsoul teased, lightly poking her. Seeing Sooyoung slightly blush. 

“Stop it. I’ll think about it.” She said, and Jinsoul smiled once again.

“You should come too Jungeun.” She insisted, but Jungeun immediately shook her head. 

“Not really a party type of person.” She mumbled, giving a tight lipped smile that only told Jinsoul she really didn’t want to be here right now.

She smiled, before turning back to Sooyoung. “Just let me know what you plan to do okay?” She hugged. “It was nice meeting you Jungeun.”

“Yeah…” She replied, watching as Jinsoul walked away. If you didn’t know who Jinsoul was, she was your typical popular girl. A lot nicer than the usual one though, and she didn’t really act like it. Whatever school she attended, she would always end up on the cheerleading squad. Throughout the years, quickly working her way up to the captain position. 

She was drawn to Sooyoung the first week of school because she was pretty. She tried to convince her to join the cheer squad, but Sooyoung denied. “Maybe next year.” She said sweetly. Always being nice. Like always. 

“Your friend is pretty.” Jungeun said as they walked. 

“Jinsoul?” Sooyoung questioned. “I suppose… you’re pretty too.” She nudged, smiling. Jungeun ate up the compliment immediately. She shouldn’t have taken it to heart, but she did. Everything Sooyoung said to her, she held onto it. 

“Hi mom!” Sooyoung shouted, holding Jungeun’s hand tightly and pulling her upstairs. She didn’t even give her mom a chance to reply because of how fast she ran upstairs. Sooyoung locked the door, throwing her back onto the bed. “God—“ She said, smiling to herself.

Jungeun just stood in the middle of the room, her bag still over her shoulder. “What is it?” She asked, unsure if she really wanted to know. Sooyoung quickly sat up, smiling at her. 

“Guess.” 

Jungeun quirked an eyebrow. She shrugged. “I don’t know— you aced an exam.” She guessed and Sooyoung rolled her eyes. She stood up, throwing her arms over Jungeun’s shoulders.

“No silly… think bigger!” She encouraged. And Jungeun was having a hard time thinking at all with Sooyoung here in front of her. Basically wrapping her arms around her neck.

“I-I really don’t know.” 

Sooyoung laughed, moving away and sitting back on the bed. “I have a date this weekend silly.” She smiled, and Jungeun felt her heart break in half. She didn’t know why she was so bothered by those words that just left Sooyoung’s mouth. She was obviously stunned, because moments after the announcement that had Sooyoung a giddy mess, she just stared. 

“Well?” 

“What? Oh… that’s nice. I’m happy for you.” Jungeun smiled. It was a fake one though, and it took everything in her to pretend she cared. But she tried. For Sooyoung.

“You don’t sound too excited.” Sooyoung frowned. “Aren’t you happy for me?” 

Jungeun laughed nervously. “I… always sound like this.” She tried to play it off. “But of course I’m happy for you. That’s great.” She lied, still smiling awkwardly as she stood in place. She was afraid if she moved right now, she’d throw up. So she just stayed put.

Sooyoung smiled. “I knew I could count on you. You’re the bestest friend in the whole world.” She stood up, pulling Jungeun into a hug that she barely reciprocated. Kissing her cheek and walking by the girl. “Now I need to find an outfit.”

Jungeun really wished she didn’t say the next words that left her mouth. But she couldn’t help it. “But we hang out on weekends.” She said, turning around and watching as Sooyoung stopped looking through her closet for something.

Sooyoung looked sad for a second. “I know— but it’ll just be one weekend. I promise.” She said, and Jungeun just sat down. Watching as Sooyoung threw her clothes all over the floor. 

“Do you think I should wear like a skirt or pants?” She questioned. 

“Pants.” She answered, without even wasting a second. 

“Okay… why pants then?” She questioned, and Jungeun shrugged.

“I don’t know. I think you’d look nice in pants.” Her main reason is that she didn’t want some guy to see Sooyoung in a skirt. They didn’t deserve it. 

“You don’t think I’d look good with a skirt on?” She challenged, and Jungeun felt herself nearly melt into the ground. 

“That… isn’t what I meant.” She defended, hearing the other girl’s lighthearted laugh. “I just— I don’t know. Do whatever you want.” She brushed off, and Sooyoung was taken aback by her last words.

Jungeun had never spoken to her like that before. “Is everything okay?” She asked calmly. 

Jungeun sighed. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I just had a long day.” She lied.

Sooyoung sat beside her, placing a hand onto her thigh and giving Jungeun her full attention. “Want to talk about it?” 

“No.. I think I’m just gonna head home.” She said, standing up and missing Sooyoung’s touch already. She didn’t understand why Jungeun was being so weird right now. But she did look a bit drained. “I’ll see you… on Monday.” She said, trying to keep her bitterness to a limit. 

“Text me when you get home.” Sooyoung said, hearing the door shut. Jungeun didn’t speak another word, quietly leaving the house and walking back home. The entire night she stayed up, her arms crossed behind her head as she stared at the ceiling. The only explanation to what she was feeling right now, was the fact that she was catching feelings for Sooyoung. 

Maybe it was there already. But became a bit more amplified as the days went by. She saw Sooyoung basically everyday. She can’t explain the crushing feeling in her chest she felt when she heard Sooyoung say she had a date. She shouldn’t even be jealous. She should be happy for her. But it was hard to ignore how she really felt. 

Jungeun tends to show how she’s feeling without even intentionally doing so. She needed to work on that. It would get her into some serious trouble one day. 

She forgot to let Sooyoung know she was home safely, so her phone rang, and she could hear the girl playfully scolding her. Jungeun pretended to be amused, but truthfully, she just wanted to hang up and go to bed. So she could sleep through the weekend, or at least attempt to. When she wasn’t with Sooyoung she didn’t have much to do. She seriously needed some friends. 

She spent that Saturday at home, lying on the floor of her room and drawing whatever came to mind. If she wasn’t drawing, she was writing. And if she wasn’t doing either of those things… she was sitting at her window watching the cars drive past. 

“Everything okay honey?” Her mom asked, as she hit her fork against her plate for the 8th time that night.

Jungeun didn’t answer at first. Slowly coming back out of her daze. “Yeah. Yeah… I'm okay. Just tired— it’s been a stressful week.” 

“I heard your finals will be coming up soon. I assume you’ve been studying well.” Her father said, not even looking up from his plate. Her eye twitched. She hated how much she could see herself in him. Even though they weren’t even blood.

“I have.” Her voice monotone, standing up and putting her plate into the sink. Just as she was stepping out of the kitchen, she felt her brain stop working when her mother said those next words to her.

“No Sooyoung this weekend?” 

Jungeun stopped in place, her lip quivering for a moment. But she took a deep breath before turning around to face her mother. She gave a soft smile, speaking as clearly as possible. “No.. she’s got some… family things.” Jungeun said, turning away and leaving to her room. 

It took everything in her to not slam her door shut. But she was working on not letting her emotions get the best of her. Her anger being one of the reasons she didn’t work too well with her last foster family. She couldn’t help it. She didn’t even know why she had so much anger in her. 

She waited until her parents went to sleep before she got up from her bed to shower. She just didn’t want to have to see their faces for the rest of the night. And also, showers usually helped her a lot. 

She threw on some sweats and a comfy sweater, and waited a bit for her hair to dry. It never.. fully dried, especially because she ended up knocking out shortly after telling herself not to. It wasn’t until her phone rang, the light coming from it nearly blinding her as she fell asleep with it beside her face. She instantly hopped up, pathetically, answering the call as the photo of Sooyoung smiling at the park popped up. 

“Hey…” Sooyoung said. “Could you— open your door?” 

Jungeun rubbed at her eyes. Checking the time and looking out her window. She could see Sooyoung waving up at her, pointing to the front door. When the door opened, Sooyoung immediately stepped in. Giggling so much, Jungeun had to put her hand over her mouth. “What’s your deal?” She whispered, seeing Sooyoung look adorably at her.

The taller girl moved closer. A little too close for Jungeun’s comfort. Not because she didn’t like it, but because she did. Her lips were too close to hers, and in that moment, it clicked. She smiled, tugging on Jungeun once again. “Come—“ She guided, walking quietly up the stairs and to Jungeun’s room.

Once she shut the door, she smiled brightly. “Today ... wow— it was amazing.” She started, and Jungeun slowly sat in the middle of her bed. Watching as Sooyoung changed from out of her clothes sloppily. She was drunk. It clicked for Jungeun when she smelled alcohol on her breath. Jungeun wasn’t judging. 

High school kids had done a lot worse than gotten drunk before. Jungeun tried her best to ignore the skirt she wore. Not because it was attractive but because her date definitely had gotten to see her wearing that. As hard as she tried to ignore it, there was no getting around it. 

Jungeun lied onto her back, staring up at the ceiling as she listened to Sooyoung talking about her day. Starting from the moment she woke up. She was definitely in a daze, her words going in one ear and out the other. 

It wasn’t until Sooyoung was sitting on top of her. Both knees on each side of Jungeun. Basically forcing her to pay attention to her. Jungeun… wasn’t good with stuff like this. This was definitely knew for her, but she knew that she enjoyed it. Being in Sooyoung’s presence made her feel a lot better about everything. 

Her favorite thing about Sooyoung, is that she knew when to stop talking or asking about something. When she asked about Jungeun’s parents, she noticed the shift in her tone as she spoke. It was obvious she didn’t want to really talk about them. So she moved onto asking what her favorite songs were or what kind of books she liked to read.

And while Sooyoung went onto talking about her day, she got around to talking about the boy. Jungeun could already feel herself sinking into this bed. She was practically being held hostage, but she also didn’t want to move. 

Jungeun really wanted to ignore the feeling she got in not only her chest, but her heart when she heard about Sooyoung’s first kiss. “It was _magical_.” She described it. “He was so nice and gentle too. Ya know? And after that we went to the party. You know the one?”

“Yeah.” Jungeun replied, trying to maintain eye contact even though she was on the verge of tears. 

“The entire night, he just gave me all of his attention. We danced, we drank… god Jungeun, is this what it’s like to be in love?” 

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. In love? Seriously? It hasn’t even been a day. But then again, she doesn’t even know how long they’d been talking. But either way, she was a high school freshman. She didn’t know the first thing about being in love if she thought it was this. 

Jungeun tried her best to gently move Sooyoung from off of her. “You should get some rest.” Jungeun simply said, turning the opposite way. 

And either Sooyoung was really empty headed, or she was just really drunk. Either way, Jungeun couldn’t believe what she was experiencing right now. Sooyoung cuddled up to her, throwing her arm over Jungeun’s waist. Snuggling up closely enough that she could smell her hair. Her shampoo smelled like apples. 

“I love you Jungeun.” She said, before the alcohol kicked in, putting her to sleep. Jungeun felt her chest tighten at those words. She did love her, but not the way Jungeun wanted.

* * *

Sooyoung promised her date wouldn’t ruin the weekends for them. Except, it did. First, it started out with Sooyoung just coming a little past her usual time. Next, she wouldn’t even come on a saturday. She’d come on a Sunday, and usually would be smiling at her phone every other minute. 

Jungeun had to stop herself from throwing up at her feet. And then, it just stopped. She’d stop coming. At first, she had excuses. She was busy. Her family wanted to spend time with her. Her boyfriend, yes, boyfriend, wanted to take her out. And then the excuses stopped, and she didn’t come over on weekends anymore. 

It hurt. But Jungeun pretended it didn’t. Sooyoung often invited Jungeun to hang out with her, but of course her boyfriend would be tagging along. It was hard to hate him. He was attractive, and nice. Even to Jungeun. Whenever he saw her in the halls, he’d smile and wave. And she’d just force herself to do the same, not even showing teeth when she did it. 

At least, over the summer, Sooyoung started coming back around. But that’s because she was having relationship problems and she needed a distraction. Jungeun was a great distraction. She held her at night whenever they’d sleep, and during the day she’d put up with her antics. They’d go out for lunch, or they’d sit in her room and just… chill. 

For Sooyoung, this is what friends do. For Jungeun, this is what people who love each other do. Every time they had a moment of some sort, Jungeun had to remind herself that this was high school. Nothing lasts forever. 

“That’s pretty dark don’t you think?” Sooyoung questioned, swinging slowly on the playground. Jungeun just sat on the swing, leaning her head against the chains that held it up, watching the girl go back and forth.

“Maybe. But I’m just being realistic.” 

Suddenly Sooyoung came to a stop, her hair growing longer and her round cheeks slowly going away. “We made a promise you know.” Sooyoung reminded, and Jungeun laughed.

“I do know. But I’m also… being realistic.” She repeated. “Who knows— in a year we might have some different interests. Part ways. It’s just life. You take it with a grain of salt.” 

“I think even when we have different interests we could still be friends.” Sooyoung challenged and Jungeun shook her head.

“Maybe. We’ll see.” 

When 10th grade came around, Sooyoung was officially single again. Her and her ex, Mingyu, were still on good terms. The breakup was mutual, although Sooyoung was sad for weeks, and Jungeun had to pick up the broken pieces. For a while, she had her friend back. She still had to listen to her being fascinated by boys, but at least she was doing it while she sat in Jungeun’s lap. 

She said it was comfortable, and made her feel closer to the other girl. So Jungeun allowed it. Not like she needed an explanation anyway. She’d take what she could get. 

“So what’s up— tell me about your love life.” Sooyoung said, leaning her cheek against Jungeun’s forehead. 

“I don’t… really have one.” 

Sooyoung laughed. “Oh come on. I’m sure there’s someone. Or at _least_ someone that has caught your eye.” She encouraged, looking down at Jungeun.__

Jungeun didn’t even know what to say. She could confess without really confessing. There was someone who caught her eye. But she was definitely out of her league, not to mention, she was straight and obsessed with boys. Like the kind of obsessed that you see in movies. When they stand by their locker and twirl their hair kind of obsessed. It made her gag. 

But all was forgotten when she finally had time with her. They just stared at each other, before Jungeun blinked a few times and looked away. “Nope. No one.” She lied. 

“Well—“ Sooyoung hopped off of her lap, leaving an uncomfortably cold space there. “I’m sure the person you want is out there waiting to find you.” She smiled.

Jungeun really hoped so. 

Sooyoung went away that summer, she was visiting family. So Jungeun had no option but to make some other friends. Except, she really didn’t know how to. She found herself sitting at a skating rink on a friday night, that’s when it was usually popular. Except she wasn’t skating, she was just drinking soda and watching all the teenagers and familiar faces as they went around the rink. 

She felt someone sit beside her, and when she turned, she noticed the guy was a bit taller than her. Well, much taller than her, even while sitting. His hair was a bit long, so he ran a hand through it to move it from his face before turning to her and smiling. “Not skating?” He asked, his voice was gentle. 

“Nah. Not much of a skater.” She replied, not even making eye contact with him. 

“I see. I’m Jinyoung.” He introduced, but thankfully he didn’t reach out for her hand. Instead giving a charasmatic smile.

Bae Jinyoung. He would be a senior this year. Everyone knew him. He was smart, friendly, sweet, handsome, and tall. The perfect combo for girls around here. Not to mention the captain of the baseball team. He led their school’s team to big championship games many times. As the captain, he had gotten them 3 wins. Despite his popularity, Jinyoung remained humble. He was the boy you wanted to be friends with. 

“Jungeun.” She replied, and he nodded. 

“I see you at school quite often. You don’t seem like much of a talker, so I usually wouldn’t bother to come up to you.” He confessed, and she turned to him. Thankfully he smelled really nice, or else this small distance between them would have set her off. 

“I’m glad you noticed. Most boys don’t.” 

“Well— I can’t say the urge hadn’t been strong at some point. You’re very pretty.” He complimented, and Jungeun cringed.

“Okay— I’m going to have to stop you right there.” She said, and he looked at her with confusion written all over his face.

“I’m not interested.” She simply said. “And not because you’re… you. But because I’m not really into the whole dating and liking a guy thing.” She admitted, turning back to the rink and sipping onto her soda.

Jinyoung just sat stiffly, trying to process everything that was said to him. And although it was really thrown into his face, he didn’t take it to heart. Instead he stood up, blocking Jungeun’s view. “Well— since I know you’re not into guys now.. can we at least skate for a bit?” He smiled. Jungeun shrugged. Not like she had anything else to do. 

She got her skates and they went onto the rink. It had been a while since she last did this. So she was trying her hardest not to embarrass herself. But thankfully every time she’d almost fall, Jinyoung would catch her, keeping her steady as she wobbled in place. “Just relax! We’re not racing.” He laughed, watching as she straightened herself up. 

Jungeun found herself laughing a lot that night. Especially because Jinyoung tried everything in his power to see her smiling. He skated ahead of her, stopping to spin in a circle while forming a heart above his head. Which resulted in him falling flat onto the ground. But he laughed, so Jungeun figured it was safe to laugh too. 

After they skated, he returned the skates for them. And they left along with the other high school kids. They walked side by side, and just for a moment, Jungeun forgot about Sooyoung for a little bit. “So you ever had a girlfriend?” He asked her, and Jungeun scrunched up her eyebrows.

“You ever had a boyfriend?” She asked, flipping the question back onto him.

But he didn’t seem bothered by it. Like most boys would. “No.” He simply answered.

“Same here.” She said, her hands in her pockets. 

He smiled softly. “Are you ever scared… that you won’t find someone that’ll really just.. click with you?” 

Jungeun looked up at him. They had been friends for not even a day and he was pulling out the deep shit on her. All they needed now was some wine glasses, slow music, and a dark living room with only the fireplace on. “Not really something I think about often.” She lied.

He didn’t push her to talk about anything. Which she really appreciated. “That’s okay, you’re still young anyway. You have a lot of time to figure it all out.” 

“You’re young too.” She pushed, and he laughed as he nearly bumped into a pole. 

“Older than you though.” 

“By like a year!” She scoffed, making him laugh even harder.

“An extra year of wisdom.” He smiled brightly, seeing her roll her eyes at him. “I’m serious though. Don’t ever rush yourself to do anything. It’ll come to you.” 

“I don’t believe that.” 

“Then don’t listen to me.” He simply said, walking alongside her as they approached her house. “It was nice talking to you. It’s always nice to meet new people.” 

“I’m sure you know the whole school by now.” She laughed. 

“Unfortunately. But not many stick out to me.” He smiled at her. “I’m sure I’ll be seeing you soon. Goodnight Jungeun.” He waved, and she waved back. He waited until she was safely in the house before he walked off. Going in the opposite direction back to his house. Jungeun’s father was asleep on the couch when she got in, the shower running which indicated her mother was there. 

It was weird, how Jungeun didn’t cross Sooyoung’s mind as much as she crossed Jungeun’s. Despite how she was with Jungeun. She was very… clingy. But the brunette didn’t complain. She liked it. If it was anyone else though, she’d probably hate it. Yeah, she definitely would.

She called Sooyoung that next day, and although she couldn’t stay on the phone that long, it was nice to hear her voice again.

* * *

Jungeun didn’t see Sooyoung again until the first day of school. She had gotten home about two days ago after her vacation and was busy preparing for the first day. 

Her jaw dropped when she saw Sooyoung that day. Her hair was much darker than before, her skin was a lot tanner too. She looked… amazing. Her smile was even brighter now somehow. It almost, _almost_ distracted her from the fact that she was holding hands with Mingyu. 

But it didn’t. This was news to her. Sooyoung barely spoke to her this summer, but it made sense now. Someone else had her full attention again. She scoffed, picking up her things and going inside of the building. She was fuming, so much that she pushed the door open, not even thinking about how someone else could be on the other side.

She heard someone groan, and the sound of books falling. “Shit—“ She said, bending down to help the girl. “I’m really sorry.” Her attitude quickly fading into worry.

“No— It’s okay. I shouldn’t have been standing there anyway.” She was just trying to make Jungeun feel better about this all. She also noticed that she knocked her coffee over, it got onto her shirt before falling completely. So Jungeun held her books and guided her to the bathroom.

She tried her best to clean it, but it was just making it worse. “It’s okay! Really— I’ll just go and grab another shirt from my locker.” She said brightly.

“Y-You have shirts in your locker?” 

“Yes. Is that weird? You never know when something can happen. Like this!” She reminded. “Oh, and I’m Jiwoo. Sorry for not introducing myself sooner.” 

“Well I almost knocked you into a coma so trust me, that's the last thing I was worrying about.” Jungeun said, tossing the napkins into the trash. “Sorry about your shirt.” 

“I’ll just wear a hoodie or change shirts. Don’t worry.” She smiled. “What’s your name?” 

“Jungeun.” 

“Nice to meet you Jungeun.” She turned away, leaving the girl in the bathroom alone. Jungeun shook her head, remembering the reason she was in this mess anyway. She tried to not let it ruin her day. It was hard though. Even harder when she had a class with Mingyu. A history class. 

And he was nice. 

She could see why Sooyoung liked him. It was still hard to not hate him. He had what she wanted. Jungeun convinced herself that the only way to get over Sooyoung, was to distance herself from her. So she actively avoided her. Not like Sooyoung noticed, because she was so infatuated with her boyfriend. 

Did it piss Jungeun off? Yes. Waa she going to do anything about it? Probably not. 

11th grade seemed to be the year that everything went downhill. Before, it was a steady rise to the top, and now they were at the tipping point. Sooyoung showed up to Jungeun’s place one Saturday night. She was listening to music alone in her room, hanging off the end of her bed. Whenever her phone rang at this time of night, she knew who it was. 

A drunk Sooyoung coming from yet another party. Jungeun helped her upstairs, praying she’d stay quiet so her parents wouldn’t wake up and see her like this. Sooyoung’s lips constantly ghosted Jungeun’s neck, and she told herself it was just an accident. The girl could barely keep her head up. It was getting easier over the past few weeks. She was accepting that Sooyoug would never be hers. She was getting there.

“God it’s so hot in here.” Sooyoung complained, removing her shirt. Jungeun didn’t even pay attention to that. It was bait. Unintentional bait. But bait regardless. Jungeun’s sexuality isn’t something the two talked about very often. Actually it was hardly ever brought up. Jungeun figured it was better that way. Although it seemed at times Sooyoung completely forgot. Seeing as though she did basically everything and anything a gay girl would want to see or do. 

Smiling at her, winking at her, undressing in front of her, kissing her cheeks, hugging her tightly, cuddling her, sitting in her lap. The list goes on and on. But Sooyoung noticed, and in her drunken state, she couldn’t stop the word vomit. “Why don’t you pay attention to me?” She slurred, noticing Jungeun wasn’t watching her anymore. 

Not like how she used to. Jungeun just sighed to herself. “I’m going to bed Sooyoung.” She replied calmly. She was tired, and she didn’t want to have to deal with another story about her night with her boyfriend. She’d rather pour lemon juice into her eyes and swallow razor blades. 

“Fine.” Sooyoung said quietly, removing her pants and getting into bed. She claimed she was hot, but really she just wanted to feel Jungeun against her. She didn’t understand why she craved it so much. Being in Mingyu’s arms was nice, but it was different with Jungeun. 

It was quiet for a bit, and although Sooyoung was tired, she couldn’t really sleep. So she called out to Jungeun, who turned around slowly to face her. Sooyoung scanned Jungeun’s face, stopping at her lips. “Are you upset with me?” She asked, and Jungeun felt her heart drop for a second. She opened her eyes, seeing the space between them had gotten smaller.

“What makes you think that?” She asked quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Because you don’t look at me anymore.” 

Jungeun didn’t even know what to say. She didn’t know what she was anymore. All she knew was that she couldn’t keep doing this. Whatever _this_ was. 

When Jungeun didn’t reply, Sooyoung closed the distance between them. Painfully slowly, and then she relaxed. Pressing her lips against Jungeun’s, her hand holding her in place as Jungeun slowly reciprocated. She didn’t know how to feel, all she knew was that this was the greatest feeling ever. 

Sooyoung’s lips were so soft, and warm. And she moved them against Jungeun’s so well that it literally left her in a daze. And Sooyoung missed her touch, so she grabbed Jungeun’s hand and placed it onto her waist, pressing herself against her a little more. Feeling her warmth and her soft fingers tracing shapes onto her skin. 

They didn’t stop, not until someone got tired. Which was a while, since it seemed both of them had wanted this for a really long time. When Jungeun pulled away, she felt lightheaded. She didn’t know if it was because of the lack of oxygen, or how good of a kisser Sooyoung was. All she knew was that a kiss had brought her right back under Sooyoung’s spell. Their chests heaved up and down as they tried to catch their breath, and they rested their foreheads against each others. 

She felt soft hands playing with the hairs at the back of her neck as Sooyoung slowly fell asleep. Her movements slowly coming to a halt and leaving Jungeun in a space of confusion. She just… kissed Sooyoung. Except she didn’t initiate it, Sooyoung did. It was all confusing. Not only was Sooyoung drunk, but she had a boyfriend.

Allegedly.

For a while after that night, all that Sooyoung knew was Jungeun. They didn’t bring up the kiss, both of them afraid of what would come out of it. So they just.. kind of buried it. Even though Jungeun swore she could still feel those soft lips lingering against hers. She couldn’t even look at her the same, the only thing she could see were those perfect lips taunting her. Reminding her what happened every single time. 

Sooyoung was confusing. The only consistent thing about her is that she definitely loved Jungeun. It was a weird… area for her that she either wasn’t sure of or she just didn’t want to acknowledge. Another consistent thing, was that she partied… a lot. And every time she would end up in Jungeun’s bed, kissing her and holding her close. Each time the kisses becoming more intimate. 

Jungeun didn’t want to get her hopes up, especially because she saw Sooyoung talking to Mingyu one day that week. It didn’t seem like much, and it wasn’t like Sooyoung was smiling like she usually did when she talked to him. But as she walked off, he checked her out. And Jungeun had to hide her disgust. When she shut her locker, she was shocked to see Jiwoo standing there. Smiling brightly.

“I got transferred to your science class. We’re gonna be like… science buddies.” She poked, and Jungeun really just wanted to go home. For obvious reasons, she didn’t have any classes with Jinyoung. But he would always sneak out of class to visit her during her lunch. It seemed these days, he wasn’t the only person making her laugh and smile. Sooyoung was confusing, but when they were in bed together, holding each other, she forgot about everything else.

Sooyoung was like a drug. A very, very addictive one. And it was dangerous.

She turned away from Jinyoung to scan the area, spotting Sooyoung looking around. She turned back to him as he drank his water. “Is there a girl walking over to me?” She asked, and he looked behind her, spotting Sooyoung as she easily could spot the back of Jungeun’s hair. 

“Uh…. yes. Right now actually.” He said.

“Are you sure?”

“Uh yeah.” He responded, watching as she got closer. And in no time, Sooyoung was sitting beside Jungeun. 

“Ah— found you.” She smiled, shaking the salad on her tray. “Wait, you two are friends?” She questioned, seeing Jinyoung.

“Yes. We’ve been friends for a while now.. actually.” Jinyoung spoke, and Sooyoung raised her eyebrows, she was shocked.

“Not a duo I was expecting to see. But Jungeun is very likeable.” She smiled, and Jungeun awkwardly smiled back.

“Well— we have a decent amount in common. But, since you have company now, I’ll be heading back to class.” He stood up, seeing the look in Jungeun’s eyes that screamed ``Help me``. 

“You should come to a party this weekend.” Sooyoung suggested and Jungeun laughed. This girl was set on getting her to go to a party with her at least once. It just wasn’t Jungeun’s thing. She preferred the comfort of her home, or just hanging out with a few friends. Big parties wasn’t her thing. 

But this time around, she had an urge to go. Just so she could see Sooyoung in her new habitat. “I have to study for my exams.” She said, a hint of sadness in her voice.

“Fuck those exams.” Sooyoung said, seeing Jungeun glare at her. “Okay— not really. But you could study the next day or something.” Her convincing wasn’t really working as much as she’d like, and if they were in private she’d probably kiss her to get what she wanted. But they weren’t so her words would have to do for now. 

“Sooyoung.. just go have fun. I really have to make sure my grades stay up. It’s the only good thing I got going for myself right now.” She grabbed her things, finishing her lunch. “I’ll see you later.” She shook her head, not acknowledging the slight disappointment in Sooyoung’s eyes. 

That friday night, was the last time Jungeun had a decent day. She wouldn’t say good, because she never felt good. Not if it wasn’t her being with Sooyoung. But it was decent. She attended her friend’s baseball game, being accompanied by Jiwoo and a few of her friends. They also introduced themselves to Jungeun. Haseul, Vivi, Heejin and Hyunjin. They were all nice girls. 

They weren’t really there for anyone in particular. Just wanted to support the team. Jungeun was just here for Jinyoung, but seeing their team win and the crowd being loud for them made her jump up and down too. Hollering and clapping whenever they got another score on the board. When the game was over she ran down the bleachers, seeing Jinyoung walking up to the gate. 

He was a giant to her. “You did good out there.” 

“It’s because I knew you were watching.” He said playfully. “But thanks. We’ve been practicing really hard lately. Our chemistry is good.” He explained. 

Jungeun looked back up to her friends in the stands, as they talked amongst each other as the bleachers slowly became empty. “Why don’t we all go and eat some buffet food.” He suggested. “I’ll even pay.” Jungeun laughed.

“You sure about that?” 

“Yeah— you girls don’t look like you eat much anyway.” And Jungeun really wished he didn’t say that. Because he ended up paying $200 that night. Her friends knew how to eat, especially if it was something they really liked. Despite them breaking his pockets for the weekend, he still had fun. And they all enjoyed his presence. 

He was really easy going and laid back. He also knew how to joke around without hurting anyone or offending them. Which most guys didn’t know how to do whenever they interacted with basically... anyone. 

He had gotten a car for his birthday. So he didn’t mind dropping them all off at home. The last stop being Jungeun who sat in the front seat. “Thank you for being a good friend to me Jungeun. You… don’t treat me different.” He said suddenly, getting her attention. She looked at him for a moment before turning back to look out the windshield. “As you can see… I come from a very wealthy family. Some people befriend me for that. They want things.” He spoke quietly, turning down a street.

“But you— you honestly don’t want shit from me.” He laughed, making her laugh too. “So thank you.. for being a true friend. I sometimes forget what it’s like to have those.” He said, getting a gentle smile from her. 

“Thank you for not being an annoyingly creepy boy.” She joked, although she was actually very serious. “But overall, thanks for being so nice to me. Not just me, but my friends too.” She said, and he reached in for a hug. At first, she didn’t know how to react but she eventually just resorted to patting his back.

“Sorry. Ruined the moment.”

“Eh…”

“I did. I know. I’m sorry.” 

“You kinda did.” She said, looking around the car awkwardly. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah…” Jungeun said, stepping out of the car. “I’ll see you at school.” She said, knocking on the roof of his car and going inside. He never drove off unless he knew she was inside and safe. But like she said, her last… decent day. 

She had completely forgotten that there was even a party that night, because she was so caught up in her studying. She also hadn’t talked to Sooyoung since their last encounter at lunch. She was expecting a call that night, but it never came. So she figured Sooyoung either didn’t go, or she just went home after the party instead of her place. 

But it was confirmed she did go to the party, since she saw a status on facebook with Sooyoung tagged. It was pictures of everyone at the party. Sooyoung looked good as usual. Thankfully she got offline before she could see the next set that was posted. It was around 2 am when she got the call she thought was never coming.

She was already on her way down the steps when she saw Sooyoung’s name come onto her phone screen. The second the door open she felt lips on hers. Aggressive, sloppy kisses against her lips. “Sooyoung…” Jungeun said against her lips, watching as the girl chased them when she moved away. 

Something felt off about this all, but she ignored it. Instead taking Sooyoung up to her room and locking the door. When she turned back around, Sooyoung was all over her again. Kissing her on the lips and against her neck, and every kiss lit another fire inside of Jungeun. She was guided over to the bed by the drunk girl, tasting the alcohol on her lips and her tongue. She sat in Jungeun’s lap, feeling her heart ache every second that their lips weren’t touching.

She doesn’t even know what she wants anymore. It was all confusing. All she knew was that whenever she was with Jungeun… she felt _something_. Something that was way too hard to ignore. As much as she tried. She realized that whenever she was around Jungeun these days, she just wanted to kiss her, and feel her hands holding her gently in place. Or just, see her smile and laugh. 

But it was confusing, because she was sure she liked boys. She was sure she loved Mingyu. But fuck… she really did love Jungeun. “W-Wait… we should stop— you’re drunk.” Jungeun said.

“So?” 

“Sooyoung… seriously.”

“Jungeun I love you.” She said, feeling the mood in the room shift. “I have… for a long time. And I know what I’m doing. Very aware of it. So just stop being a pussy and kiss me back already.” Sooyoung said sharply, her lips still ghosting lightly over Jungeun’s.

She could feel the long exhale she let out, before she flipped them over and kissed Sooyoung again. Deeply, pressing her body against hers. She doesn’t know how long they made out for. 

But the feeling she had while doing it was close to.. happiness. Something she never thought she’d experience. But when they stopped, and Sooyoung was knocked out on her bed, it sunk in for Jungeun. She sobbed in the corner of her room, not wanting to wake the drunk girl sprawled out on the mattress. She didn’t know how to feel about what happened. 

Sooyoung was odd. She kissed her like that but outside of this room, she would act.. different. She still hugged her, and held her hand. But the cheek kisses slowly stopped. Probably because she had gotten so used to her lips. Sooyoung was still asleep that next morning, the alcohol completely knocking her out. So Jungeun pushed the hair from out of her face, tracing her elegant features and smiling to herself. 

But her eyes went a little lower than they should have, and she felt her heart stop. It looked like a bruise of some sort, just above her breast. She looked a little more to the left, seeing another mark just along her collarbone, and one directly on the base of her throat. She was 100% sure they were hickeys, and 100% sure she didn’t give those to her. She pulled her hand back, and the abrupt movement woke Sooyoung. 

Her eyes slowly opened, and she tried to adjust to the light in the room from the sun. “Good morning.” She smiled, sitting up and removing the blanket. But now she really snapped Jungeun’s heart in half, because there weren’t only marks on her neck and chest, but some going down her back and on her stomach.

She just sat up, sitting in place as Sooyoung got dressed. “God— I need to get home before my parents realize I’m not home.” 

“Sooyoung. What are those marks?” Jungeun asked, not able to keep to herself anymore. Seeing the girl stop moving for a moment. 

“What marks?”

“They’re everywhere.” 

“Oh… I don’t know.” 

“Don’t play dumb.” Jungeun laughed bitterly. “There is no way you didn’t see those. You’re in front of a mirror. 

“Why do you even care?” She asked, shoving the knife right into her heart. Leaving Jungeun speechless. Why did she care? Sooyoung wasn’t hers. 

“Sooyoung, did you have sex last night?” Jungeun asked, getting out of bed and standing away from Sooyoung. Her head hanging low when she asked that question. She didn’t think she wanted to know the answer. But she felt like she _had_ to know.

Sooyoung didn’t answer at first, putting her shirt on and fixing her hair. “I did.” She said quietly. Seeing the hurt in Jungeun’s eyes the second she lifted her head up. She could see the way her jaw clench, and how her eyes slightly watered. 

“You should go.” Jungeun managed to say, even though she felt like breaking down.

“Jungeun..” Sooyoung said, stepping closer to the brunette. Who pushed her away the second she stepped within an inch of her.

“Just go.” 

“Jungeun I—“

“There is nothing for you to say to me. You had sex with someone. You get all drunk, have your fucking fun messing around with everyone. And then you come to me. My home. My bed. And you fuck around with my head too. Because you know I allow it.” She snapped, and Sooyoung felt her eyes watering. “I’m not some toy you can just pick up and play with when you get bored or don’t get your way. I’m a human. With feelings, and emotions.” 

“Jungeun… I’m in love with him.” She confessed, hearing her scoff and walk to another side of the room. “As badly as I don’t want to be— I can’t help it.” 

Jungeun ran a hand over her face, breathing in deeply. “Sooyoung— are you in love with me?” 

“Yes.” 

“You need to figure out what you want. Because I will _not_ wait around for you. I refuse to be a second choice.” She said, wiping a tear that escaped down her cheek. She left the room, going to the bathroom to let her tears out. As Sooyoung got ready to head home. She passed by the living room and saw Jungeun’s mother.

“Sooyoung? I didn’t know you were here.” 

“Yeah. I came last night.. actually.” She smiled, but it was awkward. The atmosphere. 

“You must really love hanging out with Jungeun. I’m glad she has someone like you.” Her mother smiled, and Sooyoung smiled back. Not saying anything to that. She just silently left, and Jungeun threw water onto her face to clear it of any sign of misery. 

Jungeun couldn’t explain what she was feeling. But if she had to, she’d say it felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing her in the heart over and over again with a sharpened pencil. The lead poisoning her heart and making it harder to breathe. 

Jungeun didn’t know how she got through that week. She was numb almost, and although Sooyoung tried to smile at her whenever she saw her, Jungeun would pretend not to see it. That smile had too much power. It was welcoming, it was warm. It made you feel safe. It made you run to her. She couldn’t… not now. She felt betrayed and used. 

In her current state, she blindly signed up for basketball. She made it through tryouts, and came to realize her body definitely wasn’t made for this kind of exhaustion. So she ended up taking pain medication. One before practice, another after. “Hey, you wanna come to my party this weekend?” Jinsoul asked, seeing the girl walking by as she left practice. 

She usually would say no, like immediately. But she actually hesitated this time around. “Maybe.” Jungeun replied. 

“The address is on my facebook.” She winked, and Jungeun nodded. She told her parents she was just going over a friends house. That friend being Jiwoo. 

“You seriously want me to be your alibi..?” Jiwoo questioned, eating a piece of toast. 

“Yeah. Just for the weekend.” Jungeun pleaded, and Jiwoo sighed. 

“Okay. But just for the weekend.” 

When Jungeun got there that weekend, it was packed. Which was expected for a party at Jinsoul’s. Her parents leaving town every other weekend for business trips. Perks of having your own land, is that you don’t have nosy neighbors. So she never had anyone complaining or snitching on her to her parents. The air smelled of alcohol and weed. People dancing and crowding each room. 

It was actually suffocating. Jinsoul handed her a drink. And then one drink turned into two. And by the time she hit her fourth drink, she was voluntarily asking for more. “Wow— didn’t think you had it in you Jungeun.” Jinsoul said, eyeing her as she downed yet another drink. 

“I wanna dance.” She said, eyeing Jinsoul, who looked at her with shock. But she followed anyway. And they danced and danced until Jungeun’s body hurt. 

“Hey! Why don’t you stop giving yourself alcohol poisoning and just come and smoke with us.” She heard a boy say. She laughed cutely, the alcohol making it hard for her to even keep her head up. 

“She’ll pass.” Jinsoul said. But Jungeun yanked her arm away, smiling at the boys sitting on the couch in the room. Some of them already slumped from the alcohol. 

“I’ll try it.” She said, seeing them create a spot in between them for her to sit. And they passed her the joint, watching as she placed it between her lips. She started coughing and they laughed at her, patting her back as Jinsoul watched helplessly. 

She was drunk too, but she didn’t know what to do here. Jungeun had a mind of her own though. But she was also drunk, and being Sooyoung’s friend, she felt partially responsible for her. It didn’t take long for it to hit Jungeun, the feeling was something she had never felt before. But if she had to compare, she’d say it felt almost as good as kissing Sooyoung. She couldn’t stop smiling, her head falling all over the place.

So after that, Jungeun found herself smoking weed more often. Smoking it and blowing it out the window so it wouldn’t leave a smell in her room. She usually waited for her parents to either leave or head to bed. It became her favorite thing. It helped her relax most days, the feeling making her feel too good. But eventually, it wasn’t enough for her. 

So she found herself asking for something else. “Kid— you gotta chill the fuck out. This isn’t something to play around with.” The senior said to her. He was sitting at the table with Jungeun walked up to him.

“I can handle it. Just let me fucking try. Weed just doesn’t hit for me anymore.” She explained and he sighed.

“Meet me at my car after your 8th period.” He said. “It’s the red porsche over there.” He pointed and Jungeun nodded.

* * *

“You alright?” She heard Jinyoung ask, seeing how quickly Jungeun was moving to get out of the building. She quickly froze up, turning around and smiling. She looked terribly tired.

“Yeah. Just— need to get home. It’s been a long day.” She said, and he nodded. Although he didn’t believe a word that just left her mouth. When he was sure she was gone, he attempted to follow her. Watching from behind a wall as she talked to the boy in the red porsche. He spotted her grabbing something from him, and quickly putting it into her backpack. 

He knew what that was, because he knew who that guy was. He sold drugs to kids at this school all of the time. Especially the younger ones. When Jungeun walked away, she headed over to the area where Jinyoung was, unaware that she was being watched. But when she turned the corner, she bumped into him.

“What are you doing?” She asked, looking him up and down.

“What was that about?” He questioned, seeing her move around him.

“What?” 

“You.. and that guy. What did he give you?”

Jungeun was visibly frustrated being questioned so much. “It’s just weed. Stop acting like you’re my big brother or some shit.” She said, seeing him shake his head.

“You shouldn’t be doing this. Whatever is wrong, you can talk to me, or someone..” 

Jungeun laughed. “I don’t need you to be the moral police right now Jinyoung. Focus on graduating and getting the fuck out of this place.” She said, before turning around and walking off. That night, she couldn’t wait to try the weed she was given. Rolling it up while her mother prepared dinner. She nearly flipped her whole desk over when she heard her knob being turned. She quickly put a book over it.

“What’s that smell?” Her mother asked, and Jungeun just looked at her, pretending she had no idea what she was talking about.

“What smell?”

“The smell in here. It smells...” She couldn’t figure out a way to describe it. “Whatever. Dinner is ready.” She closed the door, and Jungeun felt like she could breathe again. She finished what she was doing and went down for dinner. 

When she took the first hit that night, it wasn’t like anything she’d felt before. She immediately became relaxed. It got easier over the past two months. Sooyoung still tried to get in contact with her, but Jungeun would just give her a short reply. She still couldn’t even look at her without feeling sick.

It wasn’t long before Jungeun was falling over onto her bed, looking around her room because she swore she heard something or someone. Calling out to her. She tried to fight them, falling flat onto the ground as she found it hard to keep her balance. “Fuck you.” She snarled, seeing the womanly figure in front of her. As she couldn’t get a clear view of her face because it seemed like the world was spinning and she couldn’t keep up. 

But still, the feeling wasn’t enough to stop the ache in her heart. She found herself attending parties more, standing against the wall and waiting for the perfect moment to walk over to the kids taking turns snorting a line or two. She never found the courage to do it, even when her heart ached so bad she’d much rather get beaten to death. 

It would probably hurt less.

She pushed the girl that was dancing on her aside, making her way through the drunk crowd to finally land at the table. The guys egging the one girl on that seemed to be in complete bliss after she snorted up the white substance. “Let me try.” Jungeun said.

“You gonna pay?” 

“How much?” She questioned and the guys laughed.

“I’m fucking around with you. It’s your first time.. so think of it as a free trial or some shit.” He winked, beckoning her over. Handing her the rolled object and watching as she hesitated for a moment. “If you’re scared, you can stop. Nobody here is gonna judge you.” He reassured.

“Except for me.” One of the guys said, but he was obviously high out of his mind. “Don’t be a pussy… I promise you’ll feel _so_ much better.” He slurred. 

She thought for a moment, how much better she felt whenever she wasn’t completely in the right state of mind. How freeing it was to not think of that fucking girl. And that was enough for her to bend down and snort it up, and she fell back, rubbing her nose and scrunching it up. “Fuck…” She said, laughing as the guy patted her on the back.

The effects of it kicked in quickly, and although the bathroom was right down the hall, it seemed so far away. She stood there, seeing the kids up against the wall, chatting with their friends and holding red cups in their hands. The bathroom was right there, right at the end of the hall, but every step she took it seemed like it was moving further away.

She bumped into pretty much anyone that was in her line of sight. Her brain telling her she was walking around them, when she absolutely wasn’t. It was obvious she was off of something, so they didn’t push her too hard whenever she recklessly bumped into her. She finally made it to the bathroom, and the second she opened the door she fell face first onto the ground. Except it didn’t hurt, she felt great. She felt free. 

She felt… _good_. For the first time in her life she felt good about something. She doesn’t remember exactly what happened, and how it did. But it did… 

Jinyoung stepped into the party, a hoodie over his head and a pair of sweats on as he scanned the area. He looked to his left, people were dancing, on his right, the same thing. It was a good thing he could see over this ridiculous crowd. When he walked a little more, he saw a table of high school students completely gone out of their minds. In the kitchen, you could hear the sound of glass shattering. He had to try his luck.

“Where’s the bathroom?” He asked, the drunk girl blindlessly pointing in the direction down the hall. The only door that was shut. He didn’t know what to expect, but he didn’t expect to see Jungeun there, laying face down on the floor. 

“Fuck Jungeun..” He said, trying to calm his anxious heart as he flipped her over. She was drooling basically, and her pupils were blown. “Jungeun, come on.” He said, lifting her up bridal style.

“Oh now the pretty boy wants to come and save me.” She mocked and he just ignored her, pushing his way through the crowd and outside where he could finally breathe again. It reeked of alcohol and weed in that house. Along with sweaty teenagers that sprayed cologne over themselves hoping it’d mask the smell. 

Jinyoung was upset, but it’s not like Jungeun could tell. She was high. Very, very high. Everything was funny to her right now, everything was good. He pulled into the driveway of his home, waiting for the light upstairs to go off, indicating his parents were going to bed. He shut his door as softly as he could, before wrapping around the car and grabbing Jungeun out. He threw her over his shoulder and took her up to his room.

“Why the fuck are you here?” She said to him, as he looked through his drawers for something she could wear.

“You texted me.” He simply said, not in the mood to speak. 

“I don’t remember that.” She frowned.

“Of course you don’t. Can you dress yourself? Or do I need to help?” 

“I don’t need your fucking help.” She said angrily, snatching the clothes from his hands. He sighed deeply, moving into the corner of his room and waiting for her to dress before he turned back around. “What’s it like being all rich and shit?” 

“Jungeun— I don’t know what bullshit you put in your system, but you need to go to sleep.” He replied, seeing her tilt her head cutely. 

“Jinyoung. Why are you so upset? This is the most… amazing feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. I feel like nobody can fucking touch me.” She smiled brightly. “Nobody can hurt me. Not even she can.” She lied her head down.

“Who?” He questioned, watching as Jungeun stared up at the ceiling. But when she didn’t reply, it was safe to say he wouldn’t know for a while. Jinyoung watched over her until she fell asleep, and he put the blanket over her body. He slept downstairs on the couch. It wasn’t too bad, other than the fact there wasn’t much room to move around like in his bed. 

When Jungeun woke the next morning, her head ached, and her limbs were sore. She also realized that she was somewhere unfamiliar. She quickly jumped up, and the moment she opened the door, Jinyoung was standing there with breakfast on a tray for her. “Don’t be creepy like that.” 

“This.. is my room.” He said, and she looked around, realizing it was indeed a room that belonged to a boy. “I made you breakfast.” He said, showing her the tray.

“How did I get here?”

“You asked me to come get you last night…” He reminded, placing the tray onto the desk in his room. “I didn’t see you as a party girl honestly. But it seems like you go every weekend now.” 

“Are you like spying on me or some shit?” 

Jinyoung laughed bitterly. “Please— you think I want to know about how you pass out every weekend from the amount of shit you put in your body. Trust me, I really don't want to know. But since you’re my friend, I find out.”

“Oh so I’m the one to blame?” 

“Jungeun I never said that. I’m just saying, since I’m known around the school, people know who I associate with. So they see this tiny little brunette fucking herself up every weekend, and they know that I care about you. So they tell me. Trust me— I am not spying on you.” He explained, walking away from her. “Whatever it is that’s going on with you, drugs can only help for so long.”

“God I feel like you’re my fucking parent.” 

“Yeah well. I’m not exactly proud of the role either.” He snapped back, leaving the room. She looked at the breakfast on the table and sighed deeply. Despite Jinyoung’s words, Jungeun still did whatever she wanted. She was stubborn, and already in love with the feeling of freedom from her own thoughts. 

But over the months, it got worse. And she ended up hanging with the wrong crowd of people. Drug dealers, gang members. She didn’t know how it came to be this way, but it happened. Now she wasn’t just known as someone’s tag along, she was known as the fun girl at parties. The one that drank so much she’d fall over and hit her head on something and hop back up. 

Her dealer, Byungchan, a senior at the school who sold drugs to not only high school students but anyone who wanted to pay him in cash. She found herself sneaking out more, going onto a hill and smoking her life away with her friends as they looked over the city at night. Most things didn’t matter to her anymore. Like her relationship with her parents. Her grades. Sooyoung. Well, that one was still a bit of a hard one to shake. But she was getting there, or at least that’s what she told herself everyday. 

But no matter what she did, or how many pills she popped, or how many cups of alcohol she downed, she couldn’t forget about Sooyoung. It helped, sometimes. Most times. But she became so addicted to that feeling that she found herself doing it everyday. 

Jinyoung confronted Byungchan. And he wasn’t nice about it. He pushed him up against the lockers, holding him in place by his shirt. “I swear to god if I find out you’re selling drugs to my friend again, I will literally beat your ass so badly that you’ll be in a wheelchair when you accept your diploma.” He threatened, pushing him against the lockers again forcefully. Byungchan just swallowed hard, watching as Jinyoung straightened up his shirt again.

“W-Who is your friend?”

“Jungeun. You know who she is. So don’t play fucking dumb. I’m serious.” 

The days eventually started blending together, it was nearing summer break, and Jungeun was still worse than ever. She had to find a new person to give her drugs. She nearly fought Byungchan when he told her he couldn’t give her anything anymore. She shouted at him, hit him. You name it. And he took it all. 

“Kid… whatever it is you’re going through, I promise you drugs isn’t the solution to your problems.” He said as she walked off, seeing her flip him off as she walked away. 

Jungeun missed Sooyoung. 

And Sooyoung missed her, she really did. She saw the group of people she would hang out with, and she was happy Jungeun was making friends. Unaware of the type of people they really were, and how bad of an influence they are on her. 

Sooyoung could swear to you that she tried to talk to Jungeun. But she’d always run her off. She missed her, and even though her boyfriend was so kind and understanding to her. It still wasn’t enough to fill that void in her that Jungeun could fill. 

“What do you want Sooyoung?” Jungeun asked, her vision blurry as she sat at the lunch tables outside. But somehow she was still in the right mind to be able to tell who was standing in front of her.

“You don’t look too good…” Sooyoung pointed out, seeing her hooded eyelids and her clammy skin. 

“Look… If you’re not here to confess your unwavering love for me, then I don’t give a shit about what you have to say to me.” She said bluntly, blinking continuously.

“Jungeun… are you high?” She asked, hearing the other girl giggle at her question. She looked at her, standing up shakily and looking directly at her lips. 

“I am not.” She simply said, except she was. Like really high. “Look I gotta go.” She grabbed her bag, ready to skip class or something. 

“Jungeun I just—“ And she was cut off with a sharp glare in her direction.

“Sooyoung, my life has been _a lot_ better without you around to fuck it up for me. So just, fuck off, and find someone else to play closet buddies with you.” 

She didn’t even know what to say. But those words cut deep. Really really deep, and if Jungeun wasn’t so high right now, she’d probably realize how fucked up she was being right now towards her. Sooyoung quickly wiped a tear from her cheek that fell without her realizing. And she watched as Jungeun left, and she so badly wanted to stop her. 

Other than the fact that her grades had gone to shit, her parents weren’t aware of what she’d been up to. 

She had lost count of the amount of things she’d tried, and forgotten the names of each pill she swallowed. She dropped basketball long ago, especially after she suffered an ankle injury. The only good thing was the pain medicine her doctors prescribed to her. Even long after her ankle healed, she still went to the pharmacy with her mom to get a refill. “Yeah… it still hurts. It was really swollen today too since I walked on it so much.” She lied for the 50th time that month.

And eventually, one pill led to two. Each day, for the next 3 months. And although Byungchan wasn’t dealing to her, he still had a hand in who she went to from now on. When Jungeun stepped out of that bathroom, stumbling all over the place, Byungchan just watched. A cup in his hand as he drank and listened to his friends talk. 

Jungeun was so out of it. She felt like the room was spinning and she was having a hard time getting a grip on it. And nobody helped. She was just another drunk idiot amongst them, except it was much worse. She doesn’t even know how she got home that night, in one piece anyway. 

She made the mistake of letting Sooyoung cross her mind again. The vivid memories of them holding each other so tightly as they kissed for hours. Not getting tired of each other, and just going on about their day in the morning, as if it never happened. As if Sooyoung wasn’t the one that initiated it each time. And within days she found out she was back with her boyfriend. Shoving a knife into Jungeun’s heart yet again. 

She was certain a gunshot would hurt less. As much as she wanted to deny it, she wasn’t over Sooyoung. She loved her. No matter how much she tried to numb the pain, or her thoughts, that would always be true at the end of the day. And that wouldn’t change, even in her last moments, or, what she thought was her last moments.

* * *

Her mother went to start the car, Jungeun couldn’t ride herself to school because her bike had completely collapsed underneath her. Probably from the amount of times she crashed into something while drunk or high. Since her mother was heading in that direction anyway, she offered her a ride.

“Jungeun! Come on— you’re going to be late.” Her mother said, waiting at the steps for her. But when she didn’t hear a response, she became aggravated, making her way up the stairs. “Jungeun. I’m serious, you can’t afford to be late.” She said, turning the knob of the door. 

Her world stopping when she saw Jungeun face down on the floor. The sight was something that would stick with her mother forever. She yelled at her husband to call an ambulance, and within minutes they arrived and worked on her lifeless daughter. 

It had been about a day or two since the incident, and Jinyoung hadn’t heard anything from Jungeun nor had he seen her. He was in class when he noticed a school official come into the class during lesson and pull their teacher aside. He watched, trying to read their lips as they spoke. Something seemed off, so after class, he looked for the person who was closest to Jungeun. 

“Hi.” The girl heard someone say, and she turned away from her books and looked up at the guy. “Sooyoung right?” 

“Uh yes..” She replied. 

“I’m Jinyoung. A friend of Jungeun’s… I haven’t heard anything from her, so I figured you’d have an idea of what happened.” Sooyoung’s face instantly dropped at the mention of Jungeun. 

She looked away sadly. “Uh.. Jungeun and I, we’re not really friends at the moment.” 

Jinyoung was saddened to hear that. But it also started to click for him. “I see.. I’m sorry for, coming to you with this. I guess I’m just worried.” 

“No.. no It’s fine. I can try my best to figure out what’s going on.” She smiled gently and he thanked her. Sooyoung immediately texted Jungeun once he was gone. But her messages weren’t going through. So she either blocked her, or her phone wasn’t on. Ever since Jinyoung came up to her, she couldn’t help but think about Jungeun. Other than the fact she missed her, she hoped she was okay. Maybe she just had a stomach virus or something. Those were pretty common these days. 

When Sooyoung got home, her parents were sitting in the living room. They looked distraught, and now Sooyoung knew something was wrong. She just didn’t know what it was, or the magnitude of it. “Hi..” She quietly said, getting their attention.

“Hi sweetheart.” Her mother said, standing up and kissing her on the forehead. She looked at her beautiful daughter, smiling with watery eyes. “There’s something we need to tell you.” 

And Sooyoung was really scared now. She already knew it had something to do with Jungeun. She could feel it. So her mother sat her down, and explained what happened. And Sooyoung burst into tears, instantly blaming herself. She had learned that Jungeun overdosed two days ago and she had been in the hospital ever since. 

She was in a coma, and they just had to sit around and wait for her. Sooyoung found herself going to the hospital everyday after school, and whenever she wasn’t there, she felt miserable. Even being with her boyfriend didn’t help. “Did I do something wrong?” He asked, when she moved away from his as he tried to cuddle.

“No… I’m just— tired. I should probably go home.” She said, grabbing her things and hugging him. She didn’t kiss him anymore. When Jinyoung found out, he went directly for Byungchan, who swore on his life that he had nothing to do with it. But Jinyoung still beat his ass, just to get his anger out. 

The next few days were grueling, as they had people come in to talk to them about substance abuse, and how drugs are bad. And the entire time, Jinyoung just twirled a pen in his hand, keeping himself occupied as he tried to contain his anger. Jungeun had become the hot topic of the next week or so. He couldn’t sit in a class without someone bringing it up.

“I knew she’d end up dead or some shit one day.” One of the guys joked, resulting in a punch across the face from Jinyoung. 

While Sooyoung felt an immense amount of guilt. She couldn’t help but feel like it was her fault. Even if it was direct or not. She still played a part in it all. She couldn’t believe she didn’t know. The only time she even got a glimpse of what Jungeun was up to was when she was high and snapped on her. Basically telling her to fuck off as if she never cared about her. 

Jinyoung visited often too, sitting by her bedside as he read a book. Sooyoung had broken up with Mingyu. He was angry at first, but he eventually laid off, realizing she wasn’t really in the best place to deal with a relationship. She went to parties still, but she found herself getting irritated by any attention from a male. And any attention from a girl just made her think of Jungeun, and how no one could compare. 

She was in love with her. It’s not like she ever denied that. She just… couldn’t see it just yet. But she’d known, for a while now. Even before Jungeun scared her shitless. But nearly losing her made her realize just how badly she needed her. 

Jungeun came out of her coma after a month and a half. Spending the rest of her summer in a rehabilitation center. She was miserable, and the longer she had to put up with her mother and her nagging, the more she wished she had just died. But that’s the thing about second chances, you get another chance to fix your shit. 

So regardless of the many fights she got into with her parents, they still stuck by her side. Even when they honestly could have just given up on her and thrown her back into the system. But they stuck by her. That first week back at school was hard. It was hard to ignore the staring, and the whispers whenever she walked by someone or sat down. 

Really, she gets it. She’s the girl that almost killed herself. Not purposely, but it happened, and she’s back. “Shit— I thought you were dead.” Some girl said to her as she walked by, making Jungeun stop in her tracks.

“Don’t ever fucking talk to me again.” She said to the girl, walking off and putting on her hoodie. She sat at the back of the class as they played yet another anti-drug use and alcohol use video onto the screen in the room. She ignored the glances in her direction the longer the video went on. The only eyes she caught was Jiwoo’s, but they weren’t judging her. She just looked… relieved. Relieved that Jungeun was okay. 

Whenever he could, Jinyoung would drive her to school, glaring at anyone that looked too hard at the girl. And Sooyoung tried her best to talk to Jungeun, who had eased up on her just a little. Since she was there the moment Jungeun had awakened. She still didn’t completely forgive her yet.

But Jungeun realized she shouldn’t be too mad at her. They weren’t… a thing. They were, but they weren’t. It wasn’t like, a confirmed thing. But it was something, and they just hadn’t figured it out yet. 

She started going to anger management, especially after she had told her mother to fuck off. “If you want to leave, then leave!” Her mother shouted at her.

“I will. Fuck you, and fuck you.” She said, grabbing her bag and walking aimlessly. She ended up staying over Jiwoo’s place for a few days. But she was shunned from their place when she was caught taking the medicine off of their nightstand. 

“I’m sorry Jungeun.” Jiwoo sympathized, she really did. She didn’t expect Jungeun to come back after Jiwoo’s parents called her a druggie. It hurt, but they weren’t completely wrong. She knocked onto Jiwoo’s window later that night, and the girl immediately let her in. 

“Still not on good terms with them?” Jiwoo questioned, letting Jungeun into her bed. 

“Not really…” She replied, getting into Jiwoo’s bed with her. Jiwoo just tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Why did you… start?” She asked, and Jungeun didn’t understand at first. “The drugs..” 

She sighed deeply. “That isn’t any of your business.” Jungeun said defensively. But unlike everyone else, Jiwoo didn’t back down easily.

“Is it because of her?” She asked, and Jungeun slowly turned back to her. 

Jungeun ignored her question, swaying it in a different direction. “Jiwoo… this was bound to happen to me. Both of my parents are addicted to drugs. It’s only a matter of time before I’m right behind them.”

“Don’t say that.” Jiwoo said, on the verge of tears. “You’re not like them. You can come back from this… you’re still young and there’s still time.” She encouraged, wiping a tear that fell from Jungeun’s eye. 

Jungeun did hate herself for resorting to something like this. Following in her parents footsteps. The reason she was even in this system in the first place. She was surprised that her foster parents put up with her for this long. Ever since she came out of rehab, things went downhill. She argued with them more, she got angrier quicker than usual. 

At one point, she was fucked up out of her mind. Threatening to stab her father who had to get the knife from out of her hand. And then she broke down, and he held her, and kissed the side of her head. In school, people still gave her looks. They didn’t say anything, but she knew what they were thinking. And Sooyoung stayed by Jungeun’s side through her recovery.

Even when Jungeun tried so hard to push her away. “I don’t want to be a burden to you.” 

“You’re not a burden. Stop it.” Sooyoung gently kissed her forehead. “Don’t ever say that again.” She held her close, and Jungeun honestly forgot what it was like to be in Sooyoung’s arms. She missed this. She missed her. But even as the months passed by, Sooyoung was the same old girl that she knew before she nearly ended her life. 

There was going to be a dance for the seniors, and Jungeun’s mind instantly went to asking Sooyoung. She couldn’t wait to ask at the end of the day. She spotted the girl walking with some friends, and Jungeun was so excited that she didn’t even feel her skin crawl at the thought of being around so many people. All she saw was Sooyoung, and the way her long dark silky hair moved beautifully when she heard her name. 

“Jungeun? Hi…” She spoke shyly, seeing a different look in her eyes than before.

“Hi.. um— can I ask you a question?” Sooyoung nodded, holding her hands and making Jungeun’s heart beat in that same way that it did the first time. Sooyoung was smiling brightly at the shorter girl, as she found the courage to ask her the question. “Can I take you.. to the dance?” 

And Sooyoung’s face dropped instantly. Not because her best friend was asking her out, but because she couldn’t say yes. “I um— I actually.. already have a date.” She said, seeing the hope in Jungeun’s eyes diminish. She felt her heart ache when she pulled her hands from Sooyoung’s grasp. “I’m sorry.”

“No it’s uh— it’s okay.” She awkwardly smiled, placing her hands in her pockets. “I hope you have a good time.” Jungeun said, walking off before she started crying out in the open. Her days were also a bit boring, since Jinyoung was in college now. But he still called whenever he could to check up on her. 

She avoided social media the night of the dance. As she saw no point in even attending if she wasn’t going with Sooyoung. She resorted to drawing, whenever she got the urge to drink or get high. She promised Sooyoung she would try. She hated herself for letting everything revolve around the other girl. But she loved her. That wouldn’t change no matter how many times she broke her heart. And Sooyoung had broken her heart _a lot_ of times. 

Jiwoo noticed Sooyoung was at the dance, giving her attention to not just her date, but her friends. And she frowned, pulling out her phone and texting Jungeun.

Jiwoo: You didn’t come?

Jungeun: nah 

Jiwoo: is it because of her? 

Jungeun: Goodnight Jiwoo. 

It was frustrating. How could this girl not see that she was hurting Jungeun? Did she even care? She turned back to her friends, who were having a good time. They made her dance, and she got so excited she bumped into someone. Turning around and seeing it was Sooyoung. She was much prettier up close. It made sense now why Jungeun was so infatuated with her. 

“Sorry.” Jiwoo apologized, and Sooyoung smiled, the glitter makeup around her eyes. 

“It’s okay!” She said loudly over the music, and Jiwoo was about to say something else, but Sooyoung’s date showed up. Placing his hand on her lower back and guiding her off. She blinked a few times before turning back to her friends who hadn’t stopped dancing.

Jungeun did everything in her power to distract herself. Exercised, painted, folded her laundry, attempted to bake cookies, tried to masturbate, attempted to hold an actual conversation with her parents. Daydreamed about the day Sooyoung would finally come to her fucking senses. 

Ate dinner. Showered. Painted some more. Played a game on her phone. Called Jinyoung, who didn’t answer. So she rolled her eyes, texting him. 

Jungeun: you’re gonna regret not answering your phone. 

She playfully threatened him. She stood up, seeing how many steps it took to get from her closet to her bed. After many attempts, she calculated that it takes 32 steps to and from her closet. From her bed to her door, it was 27. She would’ve attempted her room to the bathroom, but she was tired from doing a bunch of useless shit. 

Before bed, her mother made her take a drug test. “Mom— I haven’t done anything. Seriously..” 

“I’m making sure.”

“Do you not trust me?” Jungeun questioned defensively.

“I don’t Jungeun. I don’t even trust you alone in your room anymore.” She said truthfully, handing her daughter the cup to pee in. Jungeun rolled her eyes, gesturing for her mom to turn around. She complied, waiting for Jungeun to leave the bathroom. 

“Goodnight mom.” Jungeun said, shutting the door and throwing herself onto her bed. How her life came to this… she really didn’t know. But she still could change things around.

* * *

It had been a while since she got that late night call from that certain someone. But it’s like her heart and mind knew instantly, the moment her phone rang at 1am that night. And it was Sooyoung, asking her to open the door. Which she did. But instead of bombarding her with hugs and excitement, she just stared. “Hi..” She said shyly.

“Hi.” Jungeun responded back, moving aside so Sooyoung could come inside. Without another word, she was following Sooyoung up to her room. She sat on her bed, watching as Sooyoung took off her heels. 

“Are you upset with me?” 

Jungeun didn’t know if she should tell the truth or not. “I’m not upset with you.” She said honestly. “I’m just hurt.” 

Sooyoung understood. She really did, and she felt awful for it. But also relieved to be standing here. “How was the dance?”

“Uh… fun. I danced a lot.” 

“Very in character for you.” Jungeun joked, making Sooyoung giggle. She missed her. Just hearing her laugh was therapeutic. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t go with you.” She suddenly said, making the air tense once again. As the joke from before cut through it just a little, allowing them to breathe for just one moment. 

“It’s fine. I’m over it.” She lied, but Sooyoung could see right through her.

“Jungeun— I’ve had a lot of time to reflect… and think about.. this.” She gestured between the two of them. “I was trying to understand, and figure out why, nobody gave me the same feeling you give me. Not just anybody, but my own boyfriend. Well… ex-boyfriend.” She added.

Jungeun didn’t understand where she was going with this. But she sat and listened carefully. She could tell Sooyoung was a little nervous for some reason. “I-I think what I’m trying to say is that I love you.” She confessed. “I’m in love with you… I have been, for a very long time.” 

Jungeun didn’t even know how to feel. This was a lot to take in. Was Sooyoung drunk by any chance? She tends to ramble when she is..

“And I know you said that.. nothing lasts in high school and all of that depressing shit you always say.” And her anxiousness slowly went away when she heard a soft chuckle come from Jungeun. “But I want to prove you wrong. I know I fucked up a lot, and I hurt you… like a lot. But I’m asking— for a chance. And if I fuck up, which I promise I’ll try not to do, then you can hate me.” 

“Sooyoung I could never hate you.” 

“But you did. And that’s okay. I get it… I really do. Everything was confusing and probably would have been a lot easier if I just.. communicated instead of running away from it all.” Jungeun nodded her head. Because she was right. She could’ve done that. But she didn’t. But she also wasn’t really one to talk. “Those months, where you shut me out completely, I don’t think I’d ever felt that hurt before in my life. I realized that I needed you.” 

“Are you drunk?” 

Sooyoung completely ignored her question and just kept rambling on. “I was already slowly coming to terms with it all. I think. And then I fucking, found out that you almost died and it— it scared me shitless. So… I don’t want to wait around anymore. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

“And I know you love me too. You don’t even have to say it for me to know. I’m sorry I hurt you so badly…” 

“Well— I’m not going to say it’s okay. But I will say that, I forgive you.” 

“I know this is like really random and I’m kinda just throwing this all on you but— I’m asking for a chance… to be with you..” 

Jungeun didn’t even know how to react. Was she in a dream? This didn’t feel like her life right now. “People.. they get hurt in relationships. It’s inevitable. Even if it’s something small. But I promise— if something goes wrong, and we end up not together anymore.. for some reason.” She moved closer, holding her hands tightly and looking into her eyes. “I promise I’ll make sure I’m the one that get hurt, and not you. I think I’ve hurt you enough..” 

“Sooyoung..” 

“I swear. I want this. Being at that dance, with some other guy, all I could think about was you. How I’d much rather be here, at your place, just holding you all night. I couldn’t wait to get out of there so I could come and see you.” 

Sooyoung and Mingyu had gotten into a lot of fights towards the end of their relationship. Mainly because she was obviously not interested anymore. She constantly called off their dates. Whenever he’d try to kiss her or hug her she’d somehow find her way out of it. She found herself getting irritated with him more. 

And it wasn’t his fault. He was a nice guy. He was great. He was sweet, handsome, and understanding. And yet, she still felt like something was missing. It took her awhile to figure out what it was. Why a piece of the puzzle wasn’t complete. And it was because Mingyu just wasn’t Jungeun. No matter how handsome, how smart and kind he was, he just wasn’t her.

She ended things immediately, it was mutual, in a way. They both agreed that they just weren’t feeling it anymore. And although he was deeply upset, and so was she, it was for the better. “Are you sure you want to be with me?” Jungeun asked her, looking into her eyes. “I’m a bit of a handful.” 

Sooyoung laughed, bringing Jungeun’s hand up to her lips and kissing the back of it. Her soft lips touching soft skin. “I am too.” She simply said, leaning up and pressing her lips against Jungeun’s. The lips that she missed so much. A simple kiss made Sooyoung realize this is what she’d been looking for. Searching for in Mingyu. It just wasn’t there. 

Jungeun was all she needed, all she wanted. Even when her brain tried to convince her otherwise, the feelings she had in her heart remained. She kissed her, and Sooyoung slowly backed away to remove her dress. She was dying to get out of it, rummaging through Jungeun’s drawers like she used to. Finding a shirt that smelled just like her and throwing it on. Moving back onto the bed and kissing her again.

Kissing her was something she never got tired of. Jungeun pressed her hand against the one that gently rested on her cheek, looking back into the eyes that looked at her. “There’s just… one thing I need from you though.” She quietly said, running her thumb along her cheek. 

“What is it?”

“I know I’m probably asking for a lot but… the drugs… will you stop?” She questioned, but it wasn’t in a demanding or judgmental way. She was genuinely curious. Jungeun scared her. She had never been so scared in her life, watching her lifeless body in that hospital bed. Waiting for her to wake up. 

She remembers visiting at the same time that Jinyoung was leaving. And she could see the look in his eyes as he walked by her. His hands in his pockets as he watched her even after she walked by. Things made sense after a while. That the person Jungeun was so hung up on, was in fact Sooyoung. The girl that stayed by her bedside whenever she could. 

“I’m trying..” She said truthfully. She couldn’t promise that she’d stop. But she could promise that she’d try.

“Okay… that’s all the reassurance I need..” She said, kissing her on the nose. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Jungeun kissed her this time, pulling her closer and running her hands through her hair. 

She was shocked to see that Sooyoung actually didn’t mind holding her hand in public, even sometimes kissing her. When she spoke to her friends, she held Jungeun in her arms. Jiwoo would smile whenever she saw the two of them, standing in the halls and smiling at each other. 

Jinyoung picked them both up one weekend, spending time with them and getting to know Sooyoung a little more. He actually liked her, and decided to back off a little when he realized she was actually really sweet. He wasn’t a big fan of her when he realized she was the reason behind his friend’s heartbreak. 

He was happy to hear that Jungeun had been 3 months clean of drugs. She had a drink every now and then. But nothing too over the top. Sooyoung helped her keep her grades up. They visited the library together, had study dates, quizzed each other when it came to big exams. And graduated. Jungeun honestly didn’t think she’d make it this far.

But she did, somehow.

“Don’t you just wanna.. run away sometimes?” Sooyoung asked as they sat on the hill, looking over the city and taking in the pretty view. 

“Together?” 

“Yeah..” She smiled softly, her hair blowing in the wind as she stayed close by her girlfriend. “Just get away from this place. Go on an adventure.” 

“Well… we technically could. It wouldn’t exactly be running away though. I don’t think.” Jungeun said, playing with her fingers. “We could just, get a place together. Somewhere quiet, outside of the busy city.” 

“Well we need money first.” Sooyoung pointed out, making the both of them laugh hard. 

“I’ll start working on that.” Jungeun said seriously. 

Sooyoung turned to face her. “Would you actually want to live with me?” 

Jungeun turned back to her, kissing her lips that were honestly so inviting. “Of course I would. I love you.” 

“Then that’s our goal.” 

“What?” 

“We’ll live together. And be happy… or at least I hope.” Sooyoung said, feeling Jungeun hit her shoulder.

“Now you’re the depressing one.” 

“Am not!” Sooyoung shouted, throwing herself onto Jungeun and pinning her hands above her head. She kissed Jungeun all over her face, hearing her giggle as she was pinned beneath her body. After she finished messing with her, Jungeun smiled up at her.

“We will be happy.. as happy as someone like me can be.” She gave a sly smile, and Sooyoung kissed her again. Which was something she never got tired of doing. Her eyes closing instantly as she felt her heart racing whenever her lips touched Jungeun’s. 

“As long as we’re together, I think we can achieve true happiness.” Sooyoung added, laying beside her and resting her head on her chest. 

“To be honest— I’m already happy..” She confessed. “Being with you makes me happy.” 

“Then I’ll stay here forever.” She kissed her cheek.

“Good. Because if you’re lying I might have to get you jumped…” She playfully said, feeling Sooyoung place her hand onto her face to annoy her.

“I really love you Jungeun.” And she could feel the brunette holding her tightly against her body as they looked up at the stars. 

“I really love you too..”

**Author's Note:**

> Heavy shit right? Well, at least I gave a happy ending this time around. Other than the fact that this was really angsty, I hope you enjoyed. And if you have any questions, or just want to talk, i’m willing to do so! 
> 
> I hope you look forward to more of my stories in the nearing future. Until next time (hopefully with happy/fluffy lipves). ❤️
> 
> Twitter: @xyvesoulx


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